Last week, as part of a cultural discovery project for one of my classes, I spent three days wearing ‘girls’ clothes while going about my day. I wanted to explore the general reaction and preconceptions that people in my city have to clothing, especially in regards to gender. To me, the idea that a piece of fabric or accessory can be so intertwined with who are in our conscious is perplexing. I didn’t want to show off, or offend anyone by my act of curiosity. Rather, I wanted to act as a meticulous observer of the times, to see if the community around me was really as open-minded as I wanted to believe that it was. After all, if such things really only had a place in the realm of high-fashion and in Scottish tradition, then something bigger must be at work.
On the first day, I wore a long-sleeve pink top cropped at the collarbone. I received many compliments, a few glares and even a free Venti gingerbread latte. On the second, I rocked a pink blouse with a high-waisted belt. Again, the same amount of well-wishes, questions and passing eye-rolls. These things were to be expected, as it isn’t necessarily the norm to see someone like me wearing things like these. I felt collected and confident in these modest outfits, seemingly convinced that the world around me could care less about the clothes someone wore. Most affirming was the response to my nails, which were almost always met with a cheerful grin, a high-five and a few words of encouragement.What happened on the third day changed my perspective on humanity forever. I dressed myself as I normally would; band t-shirt, cardigan, plain Vans, etc. However, instead of black jeans, I complimented the outfit with a plain black skirt and matching set of tights. For me, this was a huge step in self-image. Years ago, I was barely confident enough to leave the house for school. These days, the opposite couldn’t be more true. As I set off about my day, the absolute worst in people came out in a full-force flurry of expletives and discomfort. I was ridiculed in whispers. I was mocked in glances. I was obnoxiously and filthily cat-called by a construction crew who, from behind, couldn’t tell that I was a man. Stopping by a bathroom before a lecture, a frat-bro went out of his way to shove me into the adjacent wall after eyeing me up and down on his way out. Expletives and names that might induce me to vomit were I to repeat them, were casually thrown in my direction with almost zero passing thought. By day’s end, I feared a full-on breakdown, unable to stand up for myself or what I believed in to maintain the integrity of the observer’s perspective. In a way, I had no right to feel that way, mostly because of the realization that this is the way that many have to live their lives. I fought back tears as every stare and ill-formed word engrained themselves in my sub-conscious.
Though I may not know you, I think that it’s important that we all come to understand why these things happen. In my book, cat-calling, shaming and harassment are among the worst actions we can engage in. As a heterosexual male, I will never truly know the fear that women may experience while walking home from work, going see a friend for lunch, or being sized-up in public based on their clothing. I will never truly know the gut-rot that a transgender individual may feel while being eyed up and down at the store or in class, strangers seeming to think as if the clothing they see before them begs a legal invitation of ridicule. I will never truly know the plights of these people, but as an ally and a human being invested in true equality, it is now my obligation to stand up for them as if I did.
What scares me the most is not the glances, mixed emotions, or 10-page paper that will inevitably come as a by-product of this project. No, what scares me is that this is the world we live in. We exist in a place where individuals living their truths can be subjected, directly or otherwise, to fear simply for living those truths. We live in an age where feeling ‘normal’ in your own clothing can create unfathomable contention with strangers, despite them having zero investment in their lives. We live in a world where the material, the fabric, the pieces that adorn you are somehow allowed to say more about who you are than the convictions in your heart and the sincerity in your deeds.
I don’t know about you, but I refuse that world. I refuse to let these things overcome the passion and genuine honesty that I’ve been so fortunate to bear witness to in my time. I refuse to let backwards, unprogressive mindsets stifle the glow and drive of those who are undeservingly robbed of it. Don’t say it can’t happen to you. If it happened to me, under the most average of circumstances on the streets in a progressive-leaning city, it could happen to anyone, and that is something I truly do not understand.
After all, it’s just a skirt.
What is it about a piece of inanimate, plain fabric that scares you so much?
(via imperfectwriting)
Witnessing Hate first hand:
I went to the mall, and a little girl called me a terrorist.
My name is Ela. I am seventeen years old. I am not Muslim, but my friend told me about her friend being discriminated against for wearing a hijab. So I decided to see the discrimination firsthand to get a better understanding of what Muslim women go through.
My friend and I pinned scarves around our heads, and then we went to the mall. Normally, vendors try to get us to buy things and ask us to sample a snack. Clerks usually ask us if we need help, tell us about sales, and smile at us. Not today. People, including vendors, clerks, and other shoppers, wouldn’t look at us. They didn’t talk to us. They acted like we didn’t exist. They didn’t want to be caught staring at us, so they didn’t look at all.
And then, in one store, a girl (who looked about four years old) asked her mom if my friend and I were terrorists. She wasn’t trying to be mean or anything. I don’t even think she could have grasped the idea of prejudice. However, her mother’s response is one I can never forgive or forget. The mother hushed her child, glared at me, and then took her daughter by the hand and led her out of the store.
All that because I put a scarf on my head. Just like that, a mother taught her little girl that being Muslim was evil. It didn’t matter that I was a nice person. All that mattered was that I looked different. That little girl may grow up and teach her children the same thing.
This experiment gave me a huge wakeup call. It lasted for only a few hours, so I can’t even begin to imagine how much prejudice Muslim girls go through every day. It reminded me of something that many people know but rarely remember: the women in hijabs are people, just like all those women out there who aren’t Muslim.
People of Tumblr, please help me spread this message. Treat Muslims, Jews, Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Pagans, Taoists, etc., exactly the way you want to be treated, regardless of what they’re wearing or not wearing, no exceptions. Reblog this. Tell your friends. I don’t know that the world will ever totally wipe out prejudice, but we can try, one blog at a time.
1,000 Photos a Day on the Trans Siberian
Magnum photographer Jacob Aue Sobol spent a month taking pictures in three cities and from the train windows between to make “Arrivals & Departures” — a collection of images from the Trans Siberian Railway.
The cities he focuses on are Moscow, Ulan Bator, and Beijing. He’d take pictures, hop on the train and start choosing the best ones with his girlfriend. From 30,000 pictures they settled on about sixty.
FJP: Goodness.
Today's "Things That Are Somewhat Depressing"
This “Breastaurants Experiencing a Mini-Boom” From the HuffPost article kinda depressed me. I’m glad business is good- cause we need it at a time like this. But, of course, as a women, I’m profoundly grossed out by this.
Let me stress that I don’t hold it against the women who work there at all. The problem is this strain in our society that uses women as objects. I CAN understand all sides, though, I’m not blind to other viewpoints. Yes, these women are being compensated. Yes, we- today- also put monetary value on men’s bodies (enter Chippendales). Yes, clearly there is a market for it.
But, the fact that we are so blase about this, STILL, in this day and age, is depressing. There’s also a market for pedophile restaurants where little kids strut in the windows like dressing. But, as a society, we frown on that. And, rightly so. Yes, I’m equating that with these breastaurants. Really, at the core, is it so very different. Yes, these women aren’t children. But, 100 years ago it was also the norm that women are the property of men. Today, society agrees this idea if abhorrent.
So, when o’when will we finally be able to put the selling of humans as property or commodities behind us as a species?
I suspect never.
Again, it’s depressing.
![I give props to this guy for writing a good, authentic piece about his experience as a stay at home father.
But, does he think that a woman- sorry, mother- doesn’t feel the need to throw “hatchet into a tree” or to find time for some solitude in a boat, in the middle of nowhere, just like him…away from her children, to reassert her independence? (Most of the time, this becomes the derivative experience of locking the bathroom door, and calling to Calgon for some solitude.)
The experiences he shares in this piece strike me less as a “man’s experience” than just the experience of parenting. As I read it, it seemed no less similar or regular than the hundreds of stories from my friends who are mothers (minus the being stared at like an exotic animal part).
I think as a society we make this mistake so often- delegating things or experiences as “male” or “female”, “manly” or “feminine”, when they are merely human experiences. I think our society, and species, is just on the verge of moving in the direction of taking people as individuals, and not an embodiment of a set of gender values. Very much on the cusp- with a long way to go; but, I do see the glimmer of what I consider to be an enlightened perspective.
Does he as a man process things differently than a woman? Oh yes, I don’t deny that. We are most definitely not the “same”. But, we are so much more the same than different, and I think we’re catching on to that.
Reading this article, there were places where it struck me that the writer was only suffering through any small amounts of questioning his manhood because society has told him all his life that what he’s doing is women’s work. It’s only women’s work because women have been doing it. And, from that repetitive behavior have our social norms been born. Regardless of how progressive he and his wife- or his readers, or me, or you- are, we’ve nonetheless been fed these “rules” and stereotypes all our lives in a thousand subtle ways.
Is the “female energy” more nurturing naturally? Yes, I believe so. But, the spirit of masculine and feminine, I believe, is less about whether you have a penis and more about who you are. We all carry masculine and feminine within us.
What I’d argue is that what he was really recounting was the struggle of an individual against the all too powerful pull of losing yourself to your children and their needs. Again, his experience didn’t seem much different than what most mothers experience, especially ones with a strong sense of self, who also have other goals in life. It’s a balancing act between individual and family unit, rather than some sort of pioneering experience for men. He just chose to frame it in what I would consider the more traditional framework of men jumping into traditional female roles. And, I’m not even sure he realized that.
theatlantic:
The Manly Job of the Stay-at-Home Dad
It might not look it to the casual outside observer, but stay-at-home dads are a tough breed. Behind all of the dangling diaper-bags, strollers, children’s songs, and dried-up drool is a very capable man. A man who can transfer two snoozing children, one on each arm, from the mini-van through the heat of the day — unlocking the door to the house and slipping them into their respective beds without waking them up. A man who, on little to no sleep, must plan for any and every situation, magnificent or mundane. A man who must learn not to panic through bouts of uncontrollable backseat tears and screams while driving in bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic. A man who truly knows the value of taking a long, deep breath.
Stay-at-home mothers feel these same stresses. But the ways men deal with them are another matter entirely. As proud and contented as I feel with my children, and as comfortable as I am with the choices my wife and I have made, there are definitely times when I find myself desperately needing to do something specific to assert my manhood. I daydream about spending weekends with a few buddies in the mountains, throwing a hatchet into a tree, or finding the time to grab a paddle and spend hours of solitude on a river in a canoe.
Read more. [Image: Melissa Jordan]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5nxjgK0r51qcokc4o1_1280.jpg)
I give props to this guy for writing a good, authentic piece about his experience as a stay at home father.
But, does he think that a woman- sorry, mother- doesn’t feel the need to throw “hatchet into a tree” or to find time for some solitude in a boat, in the middle of nowhere, just like him…away from her children, to reassert her independence? (Most of the time, this becomes the derivative experience of locking the bathroom door, and calling to Calgon for some solitude.)
The experiences he shares in this piece strike me less as a “man’s experience” than just the experience of parenting. As I read it, it seemed no less similar or regular than the hundreds of stories from my friends who are mothers (minus the being stared at like an exotic animal part).
I think as a society we make this mistake so often- delegating things or experiences as “male” or “female”, “manly” or “feminine”, when they are merely human experiences. I think our society, and species, is just on the verge of moving in the direction of taking people as individuals, and not an embodiment of a set of gender values. Very much on the cusp- with a long way to go; but, I do see the glimmer of what I consider to be an enlightened perspective.
Does he as a man process things differently than a woman? Oh yes, I don’t deny that. We are most definitely not the “same”. But, we are so much more the same than different, and I think we’re catching on to that.
Reading this article, there were places where it struck me that the writer was only suffering through any small amounts of questioning his manhood because society has told him all his life that what he’s doing is women’s work. It’s only women’s work because women have been doing it. And, from that repetitive behavior have our social norms been born. Regardless of how progressive he and his wife- or his readers, or me, or you- are, we’ve nonetheless been fed these “rules” and stereotypes all our lives in a thousand subtle ways.
Is the “female energy” more nurturing naturally? Yes, I believe so. But, the spirit of masculine and feminine, I believe, is less about whether you have a penis and more about who you are. We all carry masculine and feminine within us.
What I’d argue is that what he was really recounting was the struggle of an individual against the all too powerful pull of losing yourself to your children and their needs. Again, his experience didn’t seem much different than what most mothers experience, especially ones with a strong sense of self, who also have other goals in life. It’s a balancing act between individual and family unit, rather than some sort of pioneering experience for men. He just chose to frame it in what I would consider the more traditional framework of men jumping into traditional female roles. And, I’m not even sure he realized that.
The Manly Job of the Stay-at-Home Dad
It might not look it to the casual outside observer, but stay-at-home dads are a tough breed. Behind all of the dangling diaper-bags, strollers, children’s songs, and dried-up drool is a very capable man. A man who can transfer two snoozing children, one on each arm, from the mini-van through the heat of the day — unlocking the door to the house and slipping them into their respective beds without waking them up. A man who, on little to no sleep, must plan for any and every situation, magnificent or mundane. A man who must learn not to panic through bouts of uncontrollable backseat tears and screams while driving in bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic. A man who truly knows the value of taking a long, deep breath.
Stay-at-home mothers feel these same stresses. But the ways men deal with them are another matter entirely. As proud and contented as I feel with my children, and as comfortable as I am with the choices my wife and I have made, there are definitely times when I find myself desperately needing to do something specific to assert my manhood. I daydream about spending weekends with a few buddies in the mountains, throwing a hatchet into a tree, or finding the time to grab a paddle and spend hours of solitude on a river in a canoe.
Read more. [Image: Melissa Jordan]
The Real Truth Bout Cats and Dogs
I’ve been thinking about cats and dogs lately. When these two animals come up, the conversation always inevitably leads to a discussion of preferences (as though they’re ice cream flavors….isn’t it funny no one ever asks, “Are you an iguana person, or a snake person?”)
What you hear most often from “dog people” is that dogs are sweeter; cats are so cold, they say. There’s just something more “loving” about a dog.
As humans, one of the main reasons we keep animals as pets is the love we get. The unconditional, at our fingertips, on-demand love. Essentially, dog people are saying they want their love- and they want it now. We like dogs because they respond to our beck and call. Cats give you love….when they’re good and ready, allright?!
So, I can understand why dog people are mad at cats. Cats aren’t necessarily “cold”. We just say that because they’re just a bit too human, and their response doesn’t satisfy the expectation of “pet” behavior. And, so, many people “hate them”.
We cannot snap our fingers and have a cat sit at our feet. We cannot demand they get into bed with us and cuddle. If they do, it’s only because they want to. Cats refuse to play the game and are essentially declaring that they are sentient beings and have a right to their own decisions (…in so much as possible without having to hunt for their own food).
Cats have managed to meet the minimum of our “pet”requirements for centuries…never fully accepting what we demand of them but doing just enough to convince us to keep loving them. They’ve found a balance between our expectations and their own needs. You’d never presume to ask your cat to “roll over”, and you know it. And, they know you know it.
Changing Social Norms
I really can’t help but wonder if, in like 100, 200, or 300 years, western society will just abandon the concept of “marriage”. Sounds a bit strange, especially considering that it has been a fixture of the human conditions for thousands of years. It’s had many forms (polygamy, etc..) and societal “rules”, but there’s no denying our society (again, “western”) is changing like never before. The onslaught of unprecedented rapid technological change, coupled with the many ramifications of globalization, and the undeniably changing social roles of each gender/sex all amount to - if we look at it deeply- a wholly profound period of change for our species…and the social norms that have thus far held us together.
The traditional purpose of marriage, forged for economic and security purposes over centuries, has started to become obsolete. It’s easy for us to forget that this Romantic (note the capital “r”) notion of marriage as a vehicle for Love is really a new concept in Western society- rising to the forefront in 18th century France. Before that, love was one thing and marriage entirely another. Of course I’m simplifying, but it’s generally true.
So, it’s with fascination, more than anything, that I watch the fluctuating statistics benchmarking the rates of adherence to our once-held-dear social norms. Many cite declining marriage rates it as a “breakdown of society”, implying it’s a negative thing. But, new structures can only be built when old ones are torn down. And, what we might consider the destruction of our most cherished institutions is really just a clearing of the way for new traditions and norms to be created.
Just as we individually change and grow from childhood to adulthood, so does society and humanity change and alter over time.
But, something tells me that one thing will undoubtedly prove to be true centuries upon centuries into human existence: the more things change, the more they stay the same.
The report, released Wednesday, showed that Americans are not only getting married less frequently, they’re doing so later in life. These findings mirror those observed in the UK in November, where researchers found that only 48 percent of adults there were married.
But what does this mean for society? And why does it matter at all? HuffPost Weddings spoke to Pew researcher and senior writer D’Vera Cohn to find out.
Don't Call Me a Mom
Really great piece in the Daily Beast- I think, anyhow. We take it so much for granted when we define a women as “Mom”. What this piece illuminates is how freely men have used the monicker “Dad”. They can embrace it, but also slip into roles like Masters of Industry- all without leaving their manhood behind.
Women on the other hand, if they reject motherhood as their prime definition, are usually judged harshly as bad mothers, or selfish (this is my assessment…the article doesn’t foray into that so much).
Don’t we think we can offer our children a much richer life by being our own well developed people, rather than being only their mothers?
Lastly, I do think the trend towards embracing “Daddy-hood” and giving men spaces in social media and society to express that, and to embrace their domestic sides is JUST as important as giving women the freedom to be more than human incubators.
That sort of evolution is the revolution of our time.
"The Myth of Marriage's Golden Age" OR "The Descendency of Men" OR "The Rise of Women and the Death of Traditional Marriage"
This article is SO jam packed with information that finding one title for this post was difficult.
I found this article to be a really in depth analysis of the modern issues surrounding marriage, female independence, and the transformation of our society. The author does a great job of including personal details as well as a PLETHORA of cool facts. If you have some time, I recommend reading this 5 page long-form.
For thousands of years, marriage had been a primarily economic and political contract between two people, negotiated and policed by their families, church, and community. It took more than one person to make a farm or business thrive, and so a potential mate’s skills, resources, thrift, and industriousness were valued as highly as personality and attractiveness. This held true for all classes. In the American colonies, wealthy merchants entrusted business matters to their landlocked wives while off at sea, just as sailors, vulnerable to the unpredictability of seasonal employment, relied on their wives’ steady income as domestics in elite households. Two-income families were the norm.
Not until the 18th century did labor begin to be divided along a sharp line: wage-earning for the men and unpaid maintenance of household and children for the women. Coontz notes that as recently as the late 17th century, women’s contributions to the family economy were openly recognized, and advice books urged husbands and wives to share domestic tasks. But as labor became separated, so did our spheres of experience—the marketplace versus the home—one founded on reason and action, the other on compassion and comfort. Not until the post-war gains of the 1950s, however, were a majority of American families able to actually afford living off a single breadwinner.
Also interesting to me: this piece illuminated for me just how much of our modern ideas of love and marriage are a direct result of the 1950’s. I never really thought about that, but given the historical details and social norms she and the researcher Stephanie Coontz, whom she cites, illustrate that older norms from hundreds of years ago may have in fact had more in common with our modern world realities than the spasm (and blip- they argue) of conservatism that was the 1950’s.
Most startling are the stats about the decline of the male situation:
As Hanna Rosin laid out in these pages last year (“The End of Men,” July/August 2010), men have been rapidly declining—in income, in educational attainment, and in future employment prospects—relative to women. As of last year, women held 51.4 percent of all managerial and professional positions, up from 26 percent in 1980. Today women outnumber men not only in college but in graduate school; they earned 60 percent of all bachelor’s and master’s degrees awarded in 2010, and men are now more likely than women to hold only a high-school diploma.
and
If, in all sectors of society, women are on the ascent, and if gender parity is actually within reach, this means that a marriage regime based on men’s overwhelming economic dominance may be passing into extinction. As long as women were denied the financial and educational opportunities of men, it behooved them to “marry up”—how else would they improve their lot? (As Maureen Dowd memorably put it in her 2005 book, Are Men Necessary?, “Females are still programmed to look for older men with resources, while males are still programmed to look for younger women with adoring gazes.”) Now that we can pursue our own status and security, and are therefore liberated from needing men the way we once did, we are free to like them more, or at least more idiosyncratically, which is how love ought to be, isn’t it?
Anyhow, read it. It’s interesting.
Workaholism in America
I enjoyed this blogger’s personal, Serbian perspective on our American work culture. She affirms what I’ve felt and believed for many years- and those who travel often also know that we’re kind nutty when it comes to our work round these parts.
One surprising statement I didn’t see coming was her reference to another’s work that blames this divinity of “work” for things like the Holocaust. There’s actually a point there, about the banality of evil, and how putting “work” above all easily leads to “but I was just taking orders”. I found myself happily enlightened by this point.
Interestingly, she mentions that France, whose 35 hour work week apparently has led to higher productivity. Not surprising. We all know we work better with a break- or three. So, why do we insist on running furiously on the career treadmill in this country?
